Here are the Hands doing some things in Amsterdam. Make of it all what you will.

Night 1: the Hands get stuck into some pre-match beers Cunt Tim: almost whimsical Stupid boy A lady’s muff grows out of Matt Morgan’s back. Out of shot, Cunt Tim begins to masturbate.
Yang Enry, Special New Tim, and a Fat Man ’You’re the besht player ever to have played for the Hands,’ whispers Matt to Furious Tom This photo was taken by a man who knew his parents would take a keen interest in his trip to Amsterdam; ‘No, Mum, I did loads of cultutral stuff - look.’
Tee hee hee Perhaps if I ignore them they will go away The lengths some men will go to merely in order to qualify for a fight, eh?
the soon to be victorious team that faced Delft Wilder and S.N. Tim attempt to treat themselves, while Brown, sensibly, gives up hope. Brian Assuntion receives the Turner prize. A wife-beater master is called in the middle of a crowded room
A band of drunkards wander through a Dutch street. Drew tells Loz: 'I have only got a 3 inch penis' Pete and Mav in Amsterdam's famous 'Hill Street Blues Bar.' They didn't do anything special, mum. Taity runs headlong away from a man who mistook a singlet for a wife-beater Massive and repeated incompetence leads Hugo to become the new 'stick-a-cocktail-stick-in-your=head-and-light-it-Master
Cunt Tim and Pool contest who should wear the gloves. As is customary in life, the man with the white socks and builders bum won - but only just. Minions Cunt Tim and Tedridge procure a child for another one of 'queen bitch' Peter Wilder's sordid games A quiet night out: the Hands outside a live sex show, into which they of course did NOT enter.
Hugo fights, like, a girl. Man. Loz and Drew recreate Fight Club. But which one is Brad Pitt? Of course, it is clear which one is Brad Pitt in *this* picture, eh? Pool: ‘Where’s my fucking make-up gone? I hardly look like a lady-boy at all without my fucking make-up!
Before Amstelveen: At last, the Hands get the sort of publicity they so thoroughly deserve. On the way to Amstelveen. It was early, and it was cold. Everyone loved the weather before the Amstelveengame K.O. v Amstelveen
great throw in there, Fitz Loz and Mav make friends with each other - not that there's anything sinister about that, mind - while Cunt Tim gets on with doing what he does best. Yang 'Enry and S.N. Tim decide that the Amstelveen barmaid has lost that loving feeling. Brian Assuntion hands over the Turner-prize to new winner Chris King.
a be-gloved Douglas Pickles storms to a victory over Yang Enry in the ‘half-yard-shuing’ stakes, in an incredible time of 3 and a half seconds. The Hands prepare to win the five-man, half-pint boat race. 'Bring out the gimp' - we brought one out to Amsterdam with us. Roar - the WANDERING HANDS! Remember: only a man who was extremely secure in his heterosexuality would put photos like this on his own website.

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last updated 18-01-02