At the beginning of the Autumn term 1999, students of Bishop Luffa school returned from the summer holidays to find that a huge pair of metal gates had been installed in the "wind tunnel", ie, the tunnel under K Block. Many people assumed that they must be there to stop vandals getting in, but this was a mistake. In fact, they are there to prevent something leaving. Some "things" to be more precise. The minibuses, Butt and Beevis.

Picture this. It's 6.00am. It's monday morning, June 1999 (before the metal gates were installed). Over the field, a group of chairs is returning to the school. They've been out on the town, leading the police a merry dance, and they're still the worse for wear. Three of them are singing, "Show me the way to go home." One stops, it vomits.

Next thing you know, they're crossing the playground. There, on the tarmac, a baby bunny-rabbit is limping. It has come out of the hedgerow, next to the railway line, and it's hurt it's leg. Suddenly, the chairs spot it. They're hungry. The bunny-rabbit whimpers. Its mother can see it from the safety of the hedgerow, and she rushes out in a desperate attempt to save it, screaming, "Don't hurt baby Elvis!"

But the chairs are already licking their lips. TWO bunnies! It seems too good to be true. All five chairs lunge gregariously towards the defenceless mammals, crazed by hunger and sadism.

Then VRRROOOOOM. Beevis runs all five chairs over.

"Thanks, Beevis," says Mrs Bunny.

"Yeah, thanks," says Elvis.

Now that the metal gates have been installed, that'll never happen again.

Stench.

Above: The late, lamented, Leather-covered Lil (see The Renegades, below), waiting for Butt in one of their customary haunts. Sheesh, what a looker. Outasight. And the chick that's sitting on her ain't bad, either.

(Fans of the detective genre of television soap opera may remember a series called The Renegades which was first screened on American television in 1975. In 1976, broadcasting rights to The Renegades were purchased by ITV for what was then a record £500,000 fee. When the series was first broadcast in winter 1976, it immediately became cult viewing.

As everyone knows, The Renegades was about two minibuses who went around exterminating chairs. What is less well known is that the whole series was loosely based on the factual exploits of the two Bishop Luffa minibuses. Here is a short extract).

Butt and Beevis are outside an apartment building in downtown Brooklyn. They are standing on the stairs. The whole place looks very run down. Butt and Beevis have got their guns out, both Magnum 44s. Suddenly, there is an explosion in the apartment. Butt looks at his partner.

Butt: Okay buddy. Looks like its time for you and I to get working.
Beevis: Sure thing. Ready to roll?

They start firing into the apartment. There is a distinct sound of chairs scurrying around.

Butt: Come out with your hands up, and no-one's gonna get hurt!
Voice of a chair: (From within) We're all dead in here!
Beevis: Come on, Tarquin, you really expect us to fall for that old one?
Butt: Yeah, credit us with some common-sense, Tarquin.
Beevis: We're not your usual kind of customer, Tarquin.
Butt: Not like leather-covered Lil. She's your usual kind of customer, isn't she, Tarquin?
Voice of chair: (From within) I don't - I don't know what you're talking about!
Beevis: Don't you, Tarquin?
Butt: Don't you really?
Beevis: You don't remember down at the canal? That pick-up truck?
Voice of chair: (From within) Listen, you guys: you gotta believe me! I know she was your baby, but - but - that pick-up truck - it had Lil's name written all over it!
Butt: Come on, Tarquin, you know better than to try that old one on us.
Beevis: Don't you think we've seen and heard it all before? We've been in this game a very long time now.
Butt: Yeah, longer than we care to remember. You still hearing us?
Voice of chair: (From within) Hey, I'm telling you two, it's the truth! I know I've done some bad things in my life, but I ain't never lied to you! You gotta take my word for it! Jeepers creepers, man! I'm begging you!
Beevis: (Under his breath, to Butt) Do you think he's levelling with us, Butt?
Butt: Could be. I don't know. He sounds honest.
Beevis: He's scared. And he's right. He ain't never lied to us before.
Butt: Shall we give him a chance?
Beevis: He's a chair. All chairs are scum.
Butt: Isn't that kinda dumb? In every barrel there are some good apples.
Beevis: Hey, don't get all philosophical on me, Butt. Just tell me. Shall we give him a second chance?
Butt: Depends if he's lying.
Voice of chair: (From within) I'm not lying, I swear!
Beevis: (Taking out a coin) Let's toss for it.
Butt: Agreed. Heads he's lying. Tails he's telling the truth.
Beevis: (Tosses the coin, catches it on the back of his minibus tyre) Heads. He's lying.
Butt: (Furious) The dirty, low-down -!

Butt and Beavis throw themselves into the apartment, all guns blazing. Tarquin, full of holes, drops down dead.

It's all in a day's work for The Renegades.

Above: Beevis, incognito, his latest assignment about to enter the final stages. The bad guys about to get their comeuppance? You betcha, baby! Shine on, Beevis, we dig you, man!

Drive me back: to the room 36 homepage, maaaan!