DISCLAIMERS:  
Characters - Theirs (MCA/Universal/Rennaissance).
Concept - Mine (Dana/Are You Kidding? Inc.)

Rock Hudson and Doris Day were not harmed during the production of this skit - because Rock is dead and Doris Day probably will never know this story exists.

WARNINGS:  Subtext! Subtext! Yes, I assume Xena and Gabrielle are doin' the evil deed, and are committed to said deed with each other for all eternity. Nothing grossly explicit (see my other stories for the naughty stuff), but if you are too young and innocent or bitter and cynical for love, go away!

Pillow Talk
by Dana Cory 2/9/98

Xena and Gabrielle are cuddling together under their blankies, enjoying the afterglow of love to the warm glow of the campfire.

GABRIELLE: It sure is nice now that everything's back to normal, after all those strange adventures in Britannia, China, South Park, Illusia.

XENA: Mmm hmmm.

Xena absently strokes the bard's hair. They lay in silence for a few beats.

G: Xena?

Xena pulls her lover in closer and sighs happily.

X: Mmmm. Yes, Gabrielle?

G: Well, there's something I've been wanting to ask you for a while now.

X: Yes?

G: It's just that, y'know, we've forgiven each other and made up.

Xena nuzzles Gabrielle's neck and purrs.

X: Rrrrrr, you bet we have. Nothing beats make-up sex! Oh, yeah!

G: Yes, love, but ,well, it's just that. Ok, we've been intimate for quite a while now.

Xena props up on her elbow and looks worriedly at Gabrielle.

X: Oh Gabrielle! I'm so sorry! Have I worn you out tonight? We could have stopped any time.

G: No! No, tonight's been really, REALLY great, and I'm not worn out, yet, but...

X: But what? Honey, you know you can tell me anything.

G: OK, well, that's good, but this is more something I'd like you to tell me.

Xena lays back down and takes Gabrielle into her arms.

X: Ask me anything, Gabrielle. No more secrets from each other, remember?

G: Yes, but this is a little different. I probably should have asked this years ago, but something always came up, and I kept forgetting.

Gabrielle takes a deep breath and puffs her cheeks out, trying to collect her nerve. Xena is getting slightly annoyed.

X: Gabrielle, spit it out already!

Gabrielle releases the breath as she asks her question.

G: Xena, what's your last name?

Xena bolts upright and stares at Gabrielle in shock.

X: WHAT'S MY LAST NAME? Is that it?! After all that?!

Gabrielle sits up and puts her arm around Xena, afraid she's upset their delicate truce.

G: Yes. Your last name; as in surname, family name, clan.

Xena shrugs Gabrielle's arm off in annoyance.

X: I know what you mean, Gabrielle. OK, my last name is "Princess"; as in Xena: Warrior Princess. There. Happy?

Now Gabrielle is annoyed. She folds her arms and quirks an eyebrow at Xena.

G: We both know that's not true. Oh, come on, Xena, what's the big deal? I've been dying to know for months! And if we get married like your mom suggested, shouldn't I know what name the priestess will say at the ceremony?

Xena groans and flops back on the bedroll.

X: Gabrielle, if I tell you, you won't want to take my name in marriage. Maybe we should use yours. Hey, wait a minute! What's your last name, little miss pot-calling-the-kettle-black?

G: Uh, we'll get to that in a while, but you're not far off. And I asked you first!

Gabrielle lays next to Xena and starts running her finger seductively up and down Xena's arm.

G: Pleeeease, Xena. I'll tell you mine if you tell me yours.

X: OK, I'll tell you, but you have to promise NEVER to tell ANYONE, is that clear?

G: Of course, love! I'd never betray your trust again.

Xena squints at Gabrielle as the bard puts on her best "secret-keeping" face. Xena runs her tongue along the inside of her cheek as shecontemplates the decision.

X: Alright, Gabrielle. I never specifically told you - or anyone else - my full name because, well, I got teased a lot as a kid, and the wound's still a little sore.

G: Xena, I promise I'll NEVER, EVER tell a soul.

X: Especially Joxer. Or Autolycus! I'd have to kill them.

G: Xena, spit it out!

X: OK,OK! Promise you won't laugh!

Gabrielle smiles and nods.

X: My full birth name is (Xena takes a big breath): Xena Marina Helena Pappadapolous!

Gabrielle bursts out laughing. Xena scowls and tries to become one with the blankets.

G: "Xena Marina"? Holy Hermes, you must have caught a lot of cr-

X: You said you wouldn't laugh! That's just what all the other kids used to do!

Xena buries herself under the blankets. Gabrielle struggles to control her mirth, and lifts up the blankets to look at Xena.

G: I'm sorry. Xena, honey, that must have been very painful, being teased all the time.

Xena emerges from hiding.

X: Yeah, well, it made me a good warrior. You don't know how many "any port in a storm" sailor jokes I heard.

Gabrielle fights off another giggle fit - barely. Xena glares at her.

X: OK, Merry Sunshine, your turn. 'Fess up!

Gabrielle turns white, and starts to scoot off the blankets.

G: Ah, well, you see.

Xena pins Gabrielle under her and sits on her stomach, trapping the bard.

X: No, no, no! I showed you mine, and now you show me yours! Tell me your last name, little bard- or you suffer the Warrior Princess Tickle Torture!

Gabrielle grimaces in defeat.

G: Alright - here goes (really big breath):
Abrahamowitzonovichinskyovskya!

Xena tries to repeat the name to herself, and fails.

X: Abra-cadabra-What?!?

Gabrielle easily pushes the dumbstruck warrior off, and sits cross-legged as Xena continues to struggle with the name.

G: Abra-ham-owitz-onovich-insky-ov-skya!

Xena leans back on her elbows, still confused.

X: How do you spell that?

G: Just like it sounds.

Xena quirks an eyebrow at the bard.

X: Wow! I thought I had it bad! Did you get, y'know, teased a lot?

G: Nah, probably not as bad as you. It's hard to make fun of a name if you can't pronounce it.

X: Yeah, I guess. Uh, so how did your family get such a unique name?

G: It's kind of a long story.

Xena smiles wickedly at her lover.

X: Oh, I'm not going anywhere. This I've got to hear.

G: OK, so you know my parents' first names are Hecuba and Herodotus.

X: Yeah, good solid, Greek names. So?

G: But they named their children Gabrielle and Lila.

X: Hhmmm. Come to think of it, that doesn't really fit.

G: Yes, well, just before I was born, some Israelites came through town,and my parents kind of converted.

X: Gabrielle, you're Jewish?!

G: I'm not really - I never thought just one god could handle all the world's problems - but my parents are very faithful. So, when they.converted, they took the most meaningful name they could think of.

X: What does it mean?

G: It translates as "Abraham-son-of-son-of-son-of-son-of-daughter-of". Since they weren't born into the tribe, my parents thought this name was the next best thing.

Xena and Gabrielle sit there in silence for a while.

X: It must have been hard to get food delivered to your house.

G: Yeah, Falafel Man hated us!

They both burst out laughing, then snuggle under the blankets again.

X: So, my love, what's your middle name?

G: Lillith.

X: Hrmph! No wonder you like to be on top.

Xena gets an elbow in the ribs for that one. A tickle fight ensues, with Gabrielle ending up (where else?) lying on top of Xena. They eventually recover from the exertion and catch their breaths.

G: Speaking of funny names, there was this girl in our town named Piper Pilates, but the kids called her PeePee.

X: Pilates? I know her! She was in my army for a while, very limber, that girl.

Xena smiles wistfully up at the night sky.

G: What do you mean "limber"? How do you know that?

Xena blushes and clears her throat.

X: Well, she, y'know, served under me so I saw her in action.

Xena's words trail off in a squeak as the bard's icy glare pierces to the warrior's soul.

G: "Served under you"? Xena, did you ever sleep with the women in your army?

X: Ah, I think this falls under the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell, Don't Pursue" thing.

Gabrielle pouts and rolls over away from Xena.

G: Fine! Ooooh, I feel a headache coming on, for weeks.

Xena panics.

X: Aw, come on, Gabrielle! We just made up! Let's not fight, OK , Monkey Cheeks? Please?

Gabrielle turns over to face Xena and sees the love in her eyes.

G: Oh, I just can't stay mad at you, Snuggle Bunny!

They kiss and make up. Xena starts to get frisky.

X: How about a game of Big Bad Warlord And Innocent Milkmaid?

G: Nah, we do that all the time. How about Strict Headmistress And Uppity Schoolgirl?

X: No, the uniform itches too much. Oh! I know! (In a high voice) Who's been a naughty bwacksmith?

G: (In a low voice) I have, Priestess Leah!

The scene fades to black as we hear a whip crack and a squeal.

THE END

AUTHOR'S NOTE:  This skit was inspired by a dream I had after consuming vast quantities of borscht, salmon, rice pilaf, green salad with chevre, carmelized walnuts, and poppy seed cake to end a fast and celebrate Imbolc(Brigid). I think the poppy seed cake was the catalyst, but it's easier to blame the borscht. It is also a cheap way to cross-promote other works on LaLa's site, like Constant Craving (speaking of food).

Feedback, as always, is appreciated, but flames will only be used to melt the fondue, so don't bother. 
Dana Katherine Cory Litwin (Purely Divine Danish Maiden from Lithuania)