The Brooding Warrior
by Trish Kerr (Phopas)

The following story takes place after the episode "Quest"



Prologue
-------------

After battling Valasca and seeing her plunge to her death on a bed of
spikes, Xena, Gabrielle, Ephony and the small band of loyal Amazon
warriors had returned to the camp.

The wound from the rift between the Amazons had been a deep one but 
Ephony and her friends were welcome back into the fold with no
resistance. Ephony would now be the obvious choice to replace Gabrielle
as the new Amazon Queen. The ceremony would take place in two days. 
Hopefully, then, peace would once again descend upon the Amazons as
Ephony would be both a fair and noble leader.

The atmosphere was tense, though not hostile, as ceremony and standing
were treated with only the utmost respect, and now that Xena and Gabrielle
stood by Ephony's side - no one would dare challenge her again. 


The Story - 
-------------
Xena sat quietly in the chair in Ephony's room. Her eyes had been gazing
at Gabrielle's sleeping face for well over two hours. It was a picture
of beauty, her strawberry blonde hair reflecting light and shadow as
the moon cast itself over her peaceful face. She could not break away
in fear that it would have only been a dream. She worried that if she moved 
she would wake her and break the spell that had been cast over her heart.
She watched the rise and fall of her chest and a deep pain rose from
within her as she thought of how she had caused such anguish for someone
she had so desperately tried to protect for so long now.

But Gabrielle had grown in her absence, had shown such a fierce pride,
such courage in the face of Xena's death, that she had feared her return
would ruin all that she had become.

Xena had been selfish. She new that now. She did not come back from
across the planes of Hades to continue her noble battle for repentance. 
She could only pretend to herself for so long that she had come back
because she was needed by this world. No, she had given in to the
darkness, and had let go for herself, as the pain of it's memory was too
great to bear...but then.....it was Gabrielle that had called to her -
and it was for Gabrielle only, that she had returned.

Guilt still clung to her, old and familiar, like a cloak worn ragged
from overuse, as she felt this new surge of selfpity overtake her. She
had once lived only to pay for her sins, never wanting more than this,
never hoping for more than this, until Gabrielle had taken a slow and
painful hold on her heart.

Painful yes, that was without question. Regret? No. Never. She refused
to put that on her heavy heart for now. She, finally, willed her eyes
to close and let go of the sight of the most beautiful woman she had
every seen.

Sighing, she leaned back and willed herself to relax. When had Gabrielle
become so strong? When had she come of age? - no longer the young wide
eyed girl from Potedeia, now instead, a beautiful woman to behold. 
While in Autoclyus's body, she had watched Gabrielle command the
ceremony of her death. She had looked so noble, proud, holding her head 
high, when Xena was not sure she could have done the same had it been her.
This had given Xena the will to move Autocylus's body when she had felt
there was no more power left in her to fight. Xena was once Gabrielle's 
strength, -- when did she so eloquently trade places?

And then there was the kiss. She sighed with the memory of it, still so
vivid in her mind. She had wanted to show strength, and confidence, as
she appeared to Gabrielle through Autoclyus's body. Everything was
under control - though she felt very little of that. It had required
more strength that she had ever imagined. But she would not break now
before her little bard - but how she had died inside when Gabrielle's
tears ran down her face. How her pain had cut through her like a dagger. 
How she saw everything in that one instance, as she had peered into Gabrielle's 
broken heart - and seen the fierce love for her that raged inside, refusing to let
go....so strong in it's desire..... She had smiled, reassured her, inside 
fighting a sea of emotion that threatened to drown her.

Gabrielle had been so fragile as she fought herself for control, wanting
only to hold Xena and tell her how much she loved her, needed her, could
not stand to lose her again..... Xena, in that moment, vowed to herself that she 
would live, and she would not hurt Gabrielle ever again. As she reached down 
to kiss her, as she had only dreamed of for so long now, she could feel Gabrielle's 
heart drawing her in where she had always feared she would never go. And the embrace 
had melted all thought from her being, all despair from her soul, as she drank in 
the essence of Gabrielle's kiss. She did not want to let go, but the moment was 
so powerful in it's truth it hurt to hold on, for fear that she might step right 
inside Gabrielle's heart and dissapear forever. She lost control of Autocylus's 
body, but not before Gabrielle had succeeded in wrapping her arms around her own 
fragile heart. No moment would ever come close to this for Xena, as she willingly 
gave in to her. And let her steal a heart she had not felt worthy to give for
so long now......


She dared herself to open her eyes once again as just a hint of panic
rose in her. Fear that Gabrielle would only be a memory, one of many
as she hung on a now familiar cross, in her eternal Hades resting
ground. But she was not dead. No, she was very much alive and every
fiber in her being was aching to hold her. Maybe there was still time for 
redemption afterall. It would seem she would have to work on that as the alternative 
was not a pleasant place to go.......her thoughts trailed off...and back again.
But so selfish did she feel, how could she deserve such love, given
without question, or bargain? When would she ever feel she could dare be worthy 
of anything so beautiful as this?

Steel yourself warrior, you are rambling like an old woman.

She sat up rigid, and fought to gain what little control she had left,
struggling desperately with this new found vulnerability. 
Every thought brought her to the verge of tears, every emotion too
strong to bear. How she desperately wanted to lay down and hold Gabrielle 
tight against her chest - but she feared she would break her own fragile self, and
would sink into the feel of her and not ever want to return from it.

Gabrielle stirred softly in her sleep, moaning, reaching for something
that was not there.

Xena's eyes widened at the idea that Gabrielle might hear her thoughts,
even now as she lay sleeping.

"Why must you torture yourself like this, warrior?" A soft voice came
from the tent opening.

Xena flinched, quickly turned to see Ephony steal in quietly, and
without warning. Damn, she thought, have I lost even this now?
"Ephony..., " she stopped, embarassed, feeling a slight blush rise to
here cheeks - beautiful, she thought to herself, just beautiful -- 
"how long have you been standing there? -- watching me?"

"Not nearly as long as you have been watching her!" She laughed quietly,
not wanting to wake the Bard, or rather, the Queen - how this little
girl had grown.

"Right," Brooded Xena darkly. quietly reminding herself to challenge
Ephony to a sword fight later, to ensure a regaining of her edge....

"Now Xena, I know that look, and you'd better do it before I'm Queen or
you'll have to challenge me to the death, won't you?" Ephony whispered
with a twinkle in her eye.

Xena could not hold back the small grin that turned into a laugh by both
women as they fought hard to be quiet -- threatening to break into
uncontrollable laughter. 

After a long while, Xena went quiet.

Ephony sat down beside the steely blued eyed warrior. Such beauty and so
fragile behind the stoic features. A beautiful black mane of brooding
woman. She sighed, taking in the vision that now stood before her eyes as well.

"Damn you Ephony, for knowing me so well!"

"And damn you Xena for being so beautiful, and for winning the heart of 
the most beautiful bard to be your very own..so that I should have to
sit here and be envious - even though I will soon be Queen". She reached over 
and squeezed Xena's hand, holding it tightly, almost fiercly.

Both women sat in silence, for a long time, watching Gabrielle, not
wanting to break the moment of this unspoken bond of frienship. Ephony
waited. 

"I'm afraid" Xena stated, quietly....not able to look directly at
Ephony. The tall, gentle blonde haired woman sat quietly, the moonlight
stealing a hint of the understanding in her eyes.

"I know", replied Ephony, Ever so slightly squeezing her hand tighter.
"I'm afraid.....", Xena started again...and could not finish as her
voice caught in her throat....tears threatening to spill from her
beautifully sad blue eyes.... She swallowed hard and continued..."of not 
deserving....." she trailed off again, unable to continue.

"Xena," Ephony softly spoke her name. Not wanting to lose the moment of
the warrior's admission, knowing that Xena needed to say it, needed to
here it, needed to be heard...

Tears would not be held back now, as they slowing spilled down her
cheeks, but she would not close her eyes to the pain. Control was not
given up lightly by such a proud warrior as she now turned inwardly to
look at her own dark and fearful heart.

"of not deserving ......" Xena whispered softly, "her love." she
finished finally, and with that hung her head as her shame overtook her
and a heaviness she had not thought possible blanketed her heart
threatening to plunge her into the very darkness she had fought so hard
to escape.

"Coward," Ephony stated and left silently, leaving Xena to cry softly to
herself. She could not even rise to defend herself but could only stare
at the cold ground beneath her feet.


Ephony walked quickly away from the tent, her eyes fighting back tears
of her own. She hated to have been so cruel, but she knew her friend,
and she knew this was the only way. She paused and breathed in the
night air, hoping it would wash away the pain that threatened to take
what little breath she had left in her chest. "Damn you Xena, damn
you!" she whispered softly to herself as she walked towards the
woods. And then, louder, "Be strong my friend," as she dissapeared into
the darkness to hide her own tired heart.

Xena did not know how long she had wallowed in her own self pity, crying
softly, but her familiar warrior instincts finally took over as she
felt eyes gazing upon her, and she did not need to look up to know
who's eyes they were. By the Gods! she screamed silently. "How long?" she 
asked quietly, her voice quivering, though she fought to hide it.

"Long enough," Gabrielle replied softly.

The night air fell heavy between them, not even a night sound could be
heard through this deafening silence that threatened to consume both of
them.

Be brave, warrior, she braced herself as her hands dug into the wooden
arms of the chair of torment she now sat in. - but courage was elusive
to her, so strange and so new to this proud warrior.

All was quiet except for the sound of her beating heart, pounding
steadly louder inside her head, as fear swept through her like none she
had ever known, not even when she had seen the life force draining from
her so long ago on the cross. Or when Gabrielle had lay dead in her arms
so many moons ago, and she was sure her fear would consume her like a
cold raging fire - but she had fought it, and she had won. But now, this
was a new fear, a fear she had not known before, did not know how to
fight, for no words or swords could swipe through it's darkness - so
monstrous in it's taking of her. 

"Be brave.", she repeated, this time aloud, as she let her eyes release
another trapped tear that fell gently onto her strong and shaking
hands. She would win. She would have to, or she would not want to live.

She breathed in sharply, suddenly aware that she had not taken a breath
for sometime now... And then.. she slowly allowed her eyes to rise and meet the 
strength of the gaze that fell on her shaking form.

Gabrielle waited, as she knew in her heart Xena had to do this herself. 
Had to give in, let go, and come to her.....Gabrielle did not know how
she knew this to be true, but she knew it just as she knew her love for
her was the only door for which Xena could enter, all others led
nowhere.......to emptiness and despair.... She wanted to scream to her, call 
to her, wanting to hold her so tight she would not breathe....would not need 
to breathe, but though she ached to comfort her, longed to touch her beautiful 
face, her long dark hair, now falling over her tear streaked cheeks, she
wouldn't. She knew this in her heart.

As Xena raised eyes to meet her own, her heart stopped beating for a
brief moment as she looked deep into her beautiful blue eyes, shining in
the soft light of the room, and saw through the fear and into the place
where Xena's love for her was held prisoner, trapped in it's master's
own shackles, built by her own hands -- unable to break free, bloodied
with guilt and fear of happiness.....

Gabrielle held her gaze steady, for she would not lose this fight, she
refused to allow her to give up and leave her like this, so empty-
not again, not ever. She had come through too much to lose now. She
steadied herself - strong, wearing the honor of Amazon Queen proudly.

Then without warning, Xena was at her side, so swift had she moved, the
bard had not even seen her leave the chair. Pausing for what seemed
like an eternity, though only a second in time had passed, Xena finally
bent down to kiss the lips of the only woman she would ever love.

Gabrielle rose to meet her, pulling her gently down as her arms held her
tightly to her, gripping her hair in her hands, afraid that if she let
go Xena would be gone forever. But she knew this was not true, and she knew 
she need not fear this, as Xena had finally come to her, letting her love break 
free and through the walls that she had so carefully built...for too many years.


Xena was crying, but there was no shame in her tears, no loneliness in
her eyes, only a happiness she had not dreamed she would ever
know....and these tears fell for this only....and of course, for her
beautiful bard.

"Hold me", Gabrielle whispered in her ear, "and I will show you just how
more beautiful you are to me, now that you have let yourself be freed"

Feeling a slow release of her own heart and a giving in to the beauty
of Gabrielle's, an incredible warmness filled her being.

"When did you grow such strength?, Xena asked Gabrielle softly, as she
allowed herself to sink into Gabrielle, holding her tighter, not wanting
this moment to ever pass.

"When you died in my arms, my love, and gave me yours," Gabrielle
replied. 

Xena's eyes flashed a brilliant blue as she gazed into the eyes of the
woman she would forever belong to. And Gabrielle met her stare with an
equal passion.

This would be a long night, Xena sighed blissfully, smiling, as she bend
down to kiss Gabrielle once again, a fierce desire now building in her. 
And for the first time in her life, she prayed for the darkness to hold.


The End